Ready or Not, Here I Come!

Little M just started to pull herself forward. It's not officially a crawl, more like a drag, but she's moving and motivated. As she drags her limp legs around, it seems a little sad to me, but also inspiring. She isn't waiting for her body to coordinate and she's certainly not waiting for her OT or PT to say she physically can crawl, she's just doing it. It's amazing to see someone so little fighting against her own limitations to go where she wants to go and get what she wants to get. I can't even imagine what the year to come will hold for her.

Cycling

Sometimes things just don't go as planned...in fact more often than not. Jeff organized and participated in Cycle for Life, which was a campaign to raise 100 blood donations for the Canadian Blood Services. For each donor he committed to cycle 5 km...making it a 500km 2-day trip that he would bike with a team to London and home. Last week was the ride after a year of planning and campaigning. The weather was good, the route was well-planned and the riders were exhausted but did amazing the first day. After 13 hours on the bike on day 1 the bikers went to bed early and were up at 6 to head out the next morning. Only an hour into their ride the second day, a biker's tires got caught in a railway track and the group had a crash. Thankfully there was no life-threatening injuries but Jeff and my brother-in-law, both needed to be taken to the hospital for x-rays. As I walked into the Emerg to see Jeff, I could see the devastation on his face. His planning and training and hard work would not be seen to fruition. He knew he had caused damage to himself, which would mean more work in my life. And was in a lot of physical pain. There are moments in life that just don't feel good. That are scary and painful and miserable to walk through. But that's the thing. We need to keep walking to get through them. Jeff could have stayed in that place of misery, it would have been justified. It's been a difficult year. He was doing something good. However, by the time he was released from hospital he sent me on my way to continue to cheer and encourage the other riders on the team and care for them as they finished the race. He stood at the finish line with his sling on cheering them in and celebrating their joint success, despite his personal set back. He took his eyes off himself to look at the bigger picture. I think that when we choose joy, we do have to take our eyes off ourselves. Joy doesn't come from within...so we need to focus on the source. We also need to focus on the good in circumstances despite our sorrows. When I saw my husband's cracked helmet, I chose to focus on thankfulness for his life...not the 6 weeks of extra labour...okay so I occasionally focus on that too. I'm still learning.

Bug Boy

I use to be a bug loving girl. I played with frogs and worms and newts. I liked bugs. However, somewhere along the way not only did I stop loving them, but I actually became afraid of most of these creatures. My three year old however, is not afraid, but rather fascinated by bugs. He spends countless hours searching for them and examining them and treating them as long lost friends. As his fascination increases, my fears are slowly dissipating and I've found myself holding spiders and potato bugs as I did many years ago. Don't get me wrong, they are still not welcomed guests in my house, but I do enjoy seeing them through his eyes.

Helmet Heartache

It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try, I seem unable to protect my children from all danger and suffering. I've joked about needing to put them in a padded room...especially as my sons were learning to walk and wobbling into doors and furniture. The joke no longer seems as funny as I discussed Little M's recent spills with my pediatrician and she discussed the possibility of putting her in a helmet. I thought to myself...don't most kids fall sometimes or throw their heads. However, the mother in me knows that it's more with Little M. Her body just gives out on her at times and her head crashes into anything close by. At times it is also her temper that assists it in thrashing into things. I try to keep her surrounded by padding and away from hard objects, but it is impossible to do every seconds, especially when caring for two other children. I will definitely try harder and be even more vigilante as the possibility weighs heavy on my heart. I'm not sure why it hurts so much...but it does...it still does.

As I watched her tonight, fight to pull herself up into sitting using her crib rails as support, I felt amazed and proud. When she tried to go one step further and pull herself to stand, she just didn't have the strength. She cried out in frustration and I cried inside. As she gets older and wants to move and explore, her low tone becomes a more obvious barrier. I am excited to start more therapy in September and work more with Physio on movement. However, it also means more appointments and more tears. The stress of it all has lead me to more sleeplessness and stomach pains and also back to my Bible. It is unfortunately when I am at my end that I finally really talk things over with God and take the time to study His promises. As I opened up the Bible tonight, He was faithful...as always...and I found verse after verse to comfort my broken spirit. He promises to be my rock. I don't need to have the strength to deal with it all, He does...and He is always with me. It doesn't always take the pain away, but it does provide comfort and the strength I need for the next moment or two.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

We celebrated baby M's 1st birthday this week. Despite fancy decorations and party plans...little M's birthday was very simple. She spent it with a runny nose and harsh cough and two sick brothers at home with mom and dad. There was a moment of sadness as I reflected over how much she has been through this year. We really could have used a celebration rather than one more hurdle. However, we tried to make the best of it and were able to celebrate in a simpler way. The day was slow to start, but once we got dressed the fun began. The boys picked out an ornate pink gown for Little M to wear around the house. It was a gift from her Great-Grandparent's sibling in Germany. I will admit that it gave me the giggles to put her in a glitter and lace covered dress because of the dress itself and because of her runny nose and matted hair. However, the boys eyes lit up as they told me to never change her from her beautiful outfit. Despite my original thoughts, the dress did look quite cute on her and we ended up sneaking over to the neighbour's ornate garden and taking some pictures. We were going to venture out to purchase a few helium balloons as a special treat, but were spared the trip as a good friend arrived with that very thing...along with a stuffed pink cow. Little M loved both gifts and played with them until nap time. During nap time, the boys and I determined to use some of our home grown zucchini to make a chocolate zucchini birthday cake for their sister. It was officially the first time that we successfully baked together. I continually hear happy stories of family baking time...but despite efforts have never achieved such a feat until then. We worked as a well functioning team despite a minor flour spill and made a rather tasty end product. Little M wasn't as thrilled as we were by the cake but enjoyed the singing and watching the candles. We saved her gift for the big family party that was to be held tomorrow, but was unfortunately cancelled due to all the sickness in our house. A good choice as brother #2 went to bed tonight covered in a matching rash and fever as that of brother #1. What a birthday! However, despite the deviation from plans and the fact that it is rather sad to see a sick baby...her birthday still was a celebration. I could have never imagined that journey that our family would have faced this year...however, one day at a time, by God's grace...we've not only survived her first year but had many wonderful moments. I feel like most days had moments of grief and trials mixed with joy and triumphs. It seems like we walk a fine line between the two...never sure which side we will step into at any moment in time. Little M herself is pure joy. I love seeing the progress she's made this year and the little girl she is being revealed to us. She is a happy girl and truly a gift to us. I am so thankful that God has allowed me to see her for who she is rather than the disorder. My perspective on her and her diagnoses has definitely altered over the course of the year. There are moments where I am still overwhelmed or saddened, but in general I do not feel that we are burdened. I feel blessed. I am so thankful for my beautiful daughter and God's sustaining hand. Hundreds of appointments, hundreds of tears, hundreds of smiles, what a year!