Choosing Joy in the Good Times

Little M's therapy this week was beyond my expectations. She met with her occupational therapist who she hasn't seen in a month. A month ago she was approximately 4 to 5 months delayed developmentally. She was working towards releasing toys, object permanence, crawling, trying to drink from a cup, trying to work towards solid foods and putting food to her mouth...to name a few goals. This session, she picked up balls and placed them in a gumball machine, releasing them consistently in the targeted hole and then pressing a button to have them travel down the machine. She then looked and found the missing balls...object permanence. She had started crawling, although that has not progressed this week. Then she drank half a sippy cup of juice. She has started eating small pieces of fruit and cheese and toast and is getting them into her mouth and eating them without chocking. As I talked and the therapist worked, she began to take notes and more notes. She finally said, I have to write this all down because I won't be to remember all the changes that I'm seeing. She is doing amazing. She is doing all the things that a child her age should be doing developmentally. Those words overwhelmed me...seriously...this was more than I could expect. The only thing that I was told by the specialists when she was born was that she would be delayed. She still is physically, but to be cognitively up to speed...what can I say. More tears of joy. I've struggled finding the balance between hope and acceptance. It is hard to accept when you don't know what you're accepting, so each day is a surprise. We try to live in the day...what a great day! It is easy to be joyful in the good times and I'm trying very hard to stay there. It's also easy to let doubt and fear of the future cloud those moments. I want to add a clause...but she still might not walk or talk. However, I think this is the other part of choosing joy. When you have moments when it comes easy, you still need to make a conscious decision to be thankful and focus on that...not rob those moments with anxiety about the future. God's got that in His hands too!

Faking It

It was school pictures a few weeks ago for Little G. He found last years pics a little stressful, so I tried to prepare him a bit more for this year...especially since he's been struggling with getting his picture taken. When the camera comes out, his eyes seem to squint and an awkward grimace forms on his face. He also has a habit of looking away from the camera. This has led to a serious decline in photos in his album...okay it's more the third child factor than the lack of good pictures, but the combination has definitely slowed the additions to his photo album. As I pretended to be the photographer and said smile, G continued to squint and look away. I tried giving clear directions...they didn't help. I tried showing him what it looked like after each shot...it didn't help. Jeff finally walked by and told me I was making it worse, at which time we gave up with the process with a final, "Just be happy". Picture day came and went and seemed to go well...thus saith the five year old. When the proofs came in I struggled with what to say. He did look at the camera, but had clenched his lips in every picture. I guess you just can't fake being happy...at least at 5. Nor should you. I think that's the difference between joy and happiness. Joy cannot be faked. It isn't an instantaneous emotion, it is more from the core...based on a Trust that goes beyond circumstances. As for the pictures, I happened to be volunteering in G's class on the day that the pictures went home and was able to view all the children. It seems that Little G is only one of a vast number of 5 year olds struggling to smile on command. I'm going to spare him the retakes and buy a picture to remind myself of him in this wonderfully honest stage. Plus lips or no lips, I still think he's really cute!

Sign me Up

After supper, I decided it was time to trim nails. I think it may be up there with laundry as a never-ending process. Little M had scratched me a couple times today, which is always a good sign that it's time. To make the experience as painless as possible, I usually put on a movie. Tonight's pick was a Baby's First Sign video that I borrowed from the local library. Little M's brothers joined us on the couch as the video began. I could not wipe the smile from my face as I watched the boys earnestly try to sign and eagerly show me what they were doing. They adore little M and try to make her laugh and keep her safe. Little G prays every night for God to make her stronger and has really taken to helping with signing and therapy. As much as I don't want that to be the boy's focus, I love the fact that we are a team. We support Little G and Little H in their pursuits and they support Little M in hers. More importantly they genuinely seem to enjoy each other. It just makes me happy.

Tears of Joy

It's been a while since I've blogged. Probably because things have been going well. It's generally at 1 am when I'm struggling through things that I blog to process. There hasn't been a lot to process lately except joy and hope. Funny enough that hasn't been keeping me up. I did try coffee at a speech course a couple of weeks ago, which did equate to one late night, but other than that...I've been getting some sleep. Little M has started the seasonal struggle with a never ending cold...4 weeks later we are at least at a clear runny nose and more random cough. We had an ear infection mixed in there, which is actually one of our biggest concerns for her this winter. A couple more ear infections and tubes become a real possibility. That said, glasses were a real possibility and a recent trip to Mac said she's doing great. She has astigmatism, but is doing great visually, so in a year we can probably cross one more department from our list at Mac. She is absolutely loving "walking" with us holding her hands. Hello backache...hello happy heart. She also started to sign "please" and is using it continually. Gotta love cookie motivation. Tonight as I took the kids up for bed and started a bath, Little M through a thrashing fit as I put her down to finish getting the tub ready. As I turned to glance at her, I saw her crawling...really crawling, not just dragging her body around. It was only a few feet, but she did it! As I put her in the bath and she splashed and kicked with joy, water covered my cheeks...but they were already wet. My heart feels so full. I look at her and see my wonderful daughter. I feel excited about her future rather than overwhelmed. I guess we're both growing.