Lowering Great Expectations

A couple of weeks ago I had an interesting discussion with my husband. We were talking about life and how much I was enjoying it...or not. I was saddened to hear that his perception was that about 80% of my days were "bad" days. I was ready to pipe in that he was way off because he only sees the end of my day when I am running out of steam...etc...but realized that at the end of the day, he was probably right. The strange part was that I feel happy. I love my husband and kids. I have great friends. I have a nice home and all my needs are met. I feel content with life and I truly feel peaceful. So why was I feeling like so many days were "bad". As I thought about this some more, I realized it was because at the end of the day, I was rarely meeting my criteria for a "good" day. I felt like a "good" day required one on one meaningful play time with each child and some significant work towards house cleanliness. Most of my days, though fairly happy, were spent on only surviving. Providing basic care for all the needs of my family. I realized that I couldn't change the fact that at this stage, with these children, basic care is going to take most of my day. The only option I had in changing the outcome of how I felt at the end of the day, was by changing my expectations. Instead of having one-on-one time daily with each kid playing...I try to engage with them and enjoy the moments I have caring for them. We decided that instead of having me try to vacuum and dust and clean bathrooms to no avail throughout the week, and then feel like I failed every day, we would make it priority to do those things every other Saturday. Although this is much less often than I would consider necessary, I am learning to let go of some things in order to find balance. It is amazing how happy I've been the last two weeks. I have truly felt like 95% of the days have been good..great even. Amazingly, I have even found a little time to vacuum and play, however, I am learning that those are not the foundation for a good day. I need to love my kids and demonstrate that love and joy through the daily tasks...that's all. I guess with that in mind, I can hardly consider my expectations lowered, just shifted...and finally attainable.

Off to the Races

I feel like June is literally flying by. When I look at the calendar, it is a flurry of various ink colours combining to make for an incredibly busy month. I'm not sure if it is the busyness, teething, reflux, a new stage, or an unknown reason, but Little M's sleep seems to also be upside down this month. She seems to think that a 15 minute cat nap is enough for her afternoon nap. She will smile or coo or scream, but she will not go back to sleep once awake. Whenever a new stage begins, I usually fearfully think..."Is this part of her disorder?" I will admit the thought did occur with this, but was quickly replaced with the thought, "Here we go again." My kids don't like to sleep. I hear of these children who love their 14 hour nights and lengthy naps...however, they are a completely different species than my own. Mine are never the first to sleep through the night and always the first to give up their naps. Now little M thinks that she wants to go to one nap at 10 months and that 9pm to 5am is a sufficient nights sleep. She's happyish for the most part and had it not been for my fatigue and the darkening circles under her eyes, I'd almost buy it. I know about bedtime routines and calming the child before bed and set sleep times...I'm doing all of that...she just won't sleep. I've tried walks and car rides and cuddles...I've read the books. They just don't love to sleep...at least they all seem to stay asleep once they finally get there. As I am writing this at 11pm...I just heard Little M calling for some sweet loving...so much for my previous comment. With a full calendar and a baby who doesn't want to sleep, I am finding it really hard to just do the basics of life. Does one really need to brush one's hair in a day? When tiredness takes over, it is even more important to make a conscious decision to be joyful in my day...if only I could catch up to it.

Beautifully Flawed

Let me first start with an apology. I couldn't help but laugh when I went to my blog and saw the post...we are flawed. It sounded rather dramatic. (I've deleted it, in case you've missed it.) The part that made me laugh was that I had unintentionally posted it rather than save it in my file for ideas to write about at a later time. That's sleep deprivation. I often jot down ideas of things I want to process later when I have the time and energy...which was what that comment was. What it represents is a conversation that I had with a friend. We were talking about children with disabilities and how it is hard as a parent to not feel sorry for yourself or for them at times. At which point, she mentioned the idea that we are all flawed...we all have areas of weakness or imperfections according to worldly standards. With Little M or other children with disabilities they may just appear more obvious or in a more uniformed manner. I was thinking about how I would rather have a daughter who struggles to walk than one who struggles to be kind or honest...although she may do both. It had me thinking through my purpose as a mother and the goals I have for my children...my dreams and desires for them. I pray that they would love God...not just know about Him, but really know Him and love Him and that I could model that for them. I hope that they treat others with kindness and respect. I want them to have empathy and love and thoughtfulness and to be generous and content and joyful. Amazingly, as I processed this, I realized none of these things had to do with schooling or careers or physical abilities. It was good to look at Little M in the same light as the boys, to have the same goals and dreams for her. I don't want to look at her as a burden or a hardship...just another one of my kids...uniquely wonderful and beautifully flawed.

Finding Balance

I've hesitated to write this blog because I don't have a final thought to tie it up or a conclusion. I think that finding balance is one of the hardest components of any life. I struggle to find balance in meeting the needs of every member of my family including myself. I struggle to find balance with my time and schedule on a whole. How much time do I spend on the children's physical care, physical activity, academic development, playing, creative activities? How much time do I devote to cooking? cleaning? tending the garden? How much time do I spend on the phone? Going out for coffee? Hosting play dates? How much time do I spend on my husband? Myself? Devotions? Not to mention stretching and therapy for Little M. There truly is not enough hours in a day to meet all of these needs despite my attempts or endless lists and planning. I thought I was close to finding balance prior to having a third, but have not even caught a glimpse of it since. That's not even discussing finding balance on a smaller scale...as a parent with discipline...how strict? how permissive? Or with finances...the list can keep going. However, none of these areas of finding balance has been more on my mind than finding balance in my expectations...of myself and the boys, but more so little M.

In an attempt to guard my heart from more pain or disappointment, I think I've lessened my hopes for Little M. I've resigned myself to the fact that my daughter may not walk, that she won't marry and that she'll at least have an EA in class if she attends a public school. If she wasn't only 10 months old there may be some validity to that. However, I realized that I should hope for her like I do for the boys and have expectations of her. She needs to know that I believe in her and will challenge her to be all that God has designed her to be.

I watch the children cry in therapy and struggle with the level to push a child. How important is it for a child to walk? How much are you willing to do or willing to put your child through in the attempt? How many hours of therapy? How many programs do I pursue for her? Finding balance in this realm is proving to be my greatest struggle. I don't know the balance. I don't know that fine line between accepting her and letting her know she is enough just as God made her and pushing her and challenging her to achieve more. I guess that line is tricky with any child. However, with most children you have some markers, some general expectations that can guide you as a parent...from which you alter to your specific child's abilities. For little M, there is no general expectations...it's just a great unknown...scary, but also a little exciting. I still don't have any answers. Every day I ask God for wisdom as I raise these children that He has entrusted to me. Every day I do the best that I can...okay most days...and I pray that despite my lack of answers and my mistakes that they grow to see my love and more importantly Christ's love for them. Maybe the rest isn't so important.