Polka Dot Babies

A couple of weeks ago my boys developed a mysterious rash. They were truly covered from head to toe in tiny red polka-dots. A visit to the doctors and a throat swab later, we discovered it was part of strep throat. Sure enough only days later Little M became polka dotted herself and finished off the matching trio. After a week of amoxicillin the rashes were gone and the kids were back to normal...except for Little M adding an ear infection into the mix. Despite my love of fall and my increasing excitement over the coming Christmas season...yes, I'm already excited...I absolutely dread sick season. With lots of friends and family blowing noses and coughing, I know it's only a matter of time before the kids get sick again...especially with a sick Daddy in the house. I always struggle with the debate between living life and living in a bubble. We practically own stock in Purell and I try to be vigilant with hand washing, but with a son who licks everything in sight, sickness is inevitable. I think that play centers and public places will once again be limited as sickness increases, but at least with little M being stronger this year, we won't be quite so hermitish. It all comes back to that elusive balance. I will continue to struggle to find the balance this winter and to stay joyful in doing it. As days grow shorter and time spent indoors increases, choosing joy generally becomes a little trickier...as does peace and patience. However, it's still always a choice.

Bitter Sweet Acceptance

I have that distinct restless...sleepless feeling that means that things are building up inside and that I need to blog. Jeff is baffled by my blogging...not understanding why I would put all my thoughts down for anyone to see before I have finished processing them. He can't quite grasps that this is how I process them. It's not just a restless feeling, but generally stomach pain and mouth sores that tip me off to an increase in stress and a decrease in my ability to cope. Tears are also a good tip off, which were quick to spill as I watched M take her first steps with a walker. First I cried with pride and then a touch of heartache crept in. As exciting and daunting it is to fill out paperwork for her new wheelchair and walker and bath support...it is also another step in acceptance. There are so many layers to acceptance...my daughter has a genetic disorder...but I still don't know what that even means, so how can I really accept it? Will she walk? Will she talk? Still unknowns despite her incredible successes. I watched a gray-haired mother leading her adult daughter with disabilities by the hand at the pumpkin patch this weekend and I thought...will that be me? Will I be caring for little M forever? Does that mean bathing and changing diapers? I wanted to just enjoy the day out with my family, but even there, I cannot escape the painful process of acceptance. I do have faith in God's goodness. I trust Him and believe that Little M is exactly who she is suppose to be. That she is His child and that I am blessed to be entrusted with her care. I love and enjoy little M very much. I know that Little M will struggle to meet some of milestones, she already is. I know that I love her no matter which of those she meets or at what timeline she meets them. Those are the knowns and those are the things that I hold fast to and accept. The rest becomes a lot more tricky...I think it may just need more time. I don't think it's reasonable for me to accept that she may not walk...when she may. All I can do is love her and provide her with opportunities to help her achieve what she wants to achieve and take it a day at a time. I seem to remember learning this lesson a year ago. I guess I just need to repeat some lessons.

Mr. Independence Starts School

Last year was a tough September. My eldest began JK literally days after I returned home from the hospital. I had disappeared for a month and he had been shuffled between family members and spent visits in hospital waiting rooms and yellow gowned sterility. He was hurdled into a new environment barely able to put on his shoes and open his snacks. I questioned his readiness and ached as I watched him struggle and tried to help ease the transition in any way I could. My heart still hurts looking back, which may have lead to a few tears as school approached this week. I may not have been ready, but he sure was. There was no look of fear on his face as he lined up to go into the school. Despite a new teacher and set of classmates, he was happy and calm. He confidently had zipped up his backpack and put on his shoes as he headed out yesterday morning. He was a different boy this year. It is amazing to see how resilient kids are and how quickly they grow and mature. He still like his cuddles, but I'm starting to see his dependence on me slightly loosening its grip. I'll see how long I can hang on.

Shoe Shopping with Smiles

My husband isn't one for shopping at all...never mind shoe shopping. However, he was easily persuaded when it came to purchasing Little M's first official pair of shoes. After Physiotherapy last week, the therapist said we would try little M in a walker next week, so I'd need to bring shoes for her. My heart was overjoyed...shoes..something so simple and so meaningful. We take so much for granted, but little M has taught us not to do that. We have never assumed that she would ever walk. We hoped for it and tried to support it, but the closer it comes to reality the more monumentous the feat. It is a hard line to walk between and hope and acceptance. It hurts to hope when those hopes don't come to pass...however, it hurts not to hope. I try to live my life choosing joy despite the circumstances. However, it is especially hard to do that when you live in a constant state of uncertainty. Little M has made it a lot easier with her happy demeanour and zest for life. She bit her brother today after he persistantly pressed his face to her face. Of course, I scolded her and reminded her brother to give her space, but I also smiled. She may never speak, but she gets her point across. She has spunk and spirit... and also a sweetness. A perfect combination for her circumstances. So we head off tomorrow donning the new shoes...not the shiny brown retro ones Daddy like, but little white and pink runners. Daddy may have come shopping, but he needs a little more experience before getting to make the final decision.