Oh Baby!

I started this post over a month ago...but have had a serious case of writer's block, so haven't finished it until today. The story is now old news, but still makes me smile, so I'll share it anyways. God always has a way of pulling me out of my down swings and moments of doubt and despair. After having some amazing success in Physio, I felt like little M was unstoppable. Unfortunately, the same week as I was witnessing her walking success, there was a thread on an on-line group for Trisomy 8 children about their inability to talk. Seriously! I feel like Little M works so hard to overcome the odds in one area only to turn around and see another mountain in front of her. Almost all of the children had extreme difficulties with speech. Some not speaking at all and some managing two word sentences...at the adult age level. I felt that dark feeling of defeat slipping over me or at least of another daunting unknown. That's when the trip to Walmart came into play. It was one of those days where the odds were not looking good for me...one week without a husband, three tired and hungry children, one long list of groceries and items required from Walmart...including a prescription for a nagging health issue that had me feeling under the weather...not a good scenario. I was desperate to get my errands done before Jeff returned from a week absence, so that we could enjoy the 24 hours we had with him before he headed away for another week. The idea of wasting that precious time with him doing errands, spurred me on despite the obvious possibilities for disaster. After waiting in line to find out that my prescription still was not ready, the kids begged yet again for some time in the toy department to which I relented with a 5 minute warning. We did a whirl wind tour of the Hot wheels and action figure section, followed by a trip down "animal lane" for my middle child. "Animal Lane" is really the girl's section. I don't know why all things animal seem to be labelled feminine, but they are...littlest pet shops, zhu zhu pets, Fur Real animal...all in "animal lane". After pushing a few buttons on the animals, we headed for the end of the aisle only to be stopped by a single word uttered from little M. "Baby". I immediately froze and looked around to see if anyone else had heard what I thought I had. Unfortunately, it was just me and the boys...no television crews around to record this momentous occasion. I hadn't realized we were passing the dolls until little M had reached out and called for them. I hesitantly said "Baby?", to which she again said "baby". I'll spare you the next 10 exchanges between us as they were exactly the same, except for me giving her various dolls to touch as a reward for each time she said the word. The shopping trip took a dramatic turn for the better as Mommy practically skipped down the aisles and was very open to all children requests. I came home and tried to repeat the scenario for various family members to no avail, but that's okay because in that one word, the clouds of uncertainty and fear were swept away...at least for now...and "oh baby" does it feel good!

Accepting Me

I recently joined a new Bible study group at church and attended our first meeting this week without Jeff. I was nervous to be meeting a group of strangers and wanted to make a good first impression. As we were doing icebreakers and trying to learn about each other, I felt compelled to explain that we used to be really supportive in our small groups. We used to provide a lot of practical help to our friends. The leader caught on and said something like, "but who are you now?" I struggled with the question and said, "but I liked being that person...that's who I want to be". This episode threw me off a bit but was expanded on in church this morning during a song. We were singing "Jesus, all for Jesus. All I am and have and ever hope to be. All of my ambitions, hopes and plans, I surrender these into your hands." Those may not be the exact words, but they give the idea. I stopped singing with the second part and realized that I am struggling with giving up my ambitions, hopes and plans. I wanted to travel one day when the kids were grown up. I wanted to start a volunteer organization for young moms. I wanted time with Jeff...I want to be his focus again. I want to be a helper...a great friend...save the world. Little M is astounding and I truly believe that I have fully accepted her. I adore that baby girl and cannot imagine life without her. However, today I realized that I was missing a step in the acceptance process...I have not accepted who I am now. Lord, if my plans never come to be...may I still choose joy. May you transform my mind to accept who I am now and to be content in the life that you have given to me. If I am unable to serve others as freely because I am serving the beautiful daughter you have given me, may that be enough. May I be enough in you, Lord.

Rashes and Worktrips and Blizzards, Oh My!

Just when I think I'm finally finding balance...the moment when I actually have a moment to do something healthy for myself...life tries to smother my joy. It's great choosing joy when things aren't great in your life, but so much nicer when it comes easy because life is full of blatant reasons to be joyful. Although I guess that it is always dependent on perspective. Well, I've had a really good stretch and have actually taken a little time in the day to prepare some nutritious meals for myself rather than leftover pizza crusts and cookies, as well as start exercising. Shockingly it actually resulted in weight loss and more energy...I guess what they say is truth...but after 4 relatively stellar weeks...there are always a few hiccups, the winds of change started to blow. It started with a sudden job change for Jeff at work. We got congratulations and I did feel proud of him for being recognized at having the skills for a new job and more responsibilities...but I felt the weight of the new responsibilities. It started with two weeks of travel right away and a promise of much more to come. It also meant new dress clothes and laptop cases with no increased wage and a tight budget...although he does look very handsome in a shirt and tie. It also meant more work at home and stress for him which has a funny way of affecting me...silly love. As he headed out the door for Australia this week...I was fighting the worst cold I've had and dealing with the stress of little M's mysterious rash and night wakings. The blizzard warnings dominating the news last night tip me over the edge and I felt anxiety rise and my joy slipping away. In my creative or delusional mind, I could picture myself huddled with the children under all our blankets, rationing water until emergency crews finally rescued us from our snow encased house. Okay, rather dramatic, but that's what happens when you can't sleep and have watched a few too many weather disaster related movies. It may also have to do with the vulnerability that somehow enters the house with Jeff's exit. God continues to provide. The blizzard was a bit of a bust and we have already been plowed out twice by caring neighbours, Jeff will be home in two more days and we have been surrounded by offers of meals and help. And as for Meg's rash and my cold, both on the mend. I was humbled to be told to moisturize her skin by the doctor...apparently dry skin can worsen if not cause a rash. Hate when that happens. Balance is still far from my house these days and I'm afraid my diet is resembling the cookie model more than salads, but we are building forts and baking bread and having a lot of good moments. I still really miss Daddy, but am trying to keep on choosing joy.