Bitter Sweet Acceptance

I have that distinct restless...sleepless feeling that means that things are building up inside and that I need to blog. Jeff is baffled by my blogging...not understanding why I would put all my thoughts down for anyone to see before I have finished processing them. He can't quite grasps that this is how I process them. It's not just a restless feeling, but generally stomach pain and mouth sores that tip me off to an increase in stress and a decrease in my ability to cope. Tears are also a good tip off, which were quick to spill as I watched M take her first steps with a walker. First I cried with pride and then a touch of heartache crept in. As exciting and daunting it is to fill out paperwork for her new wheelchair and walker and bath support...it is also another step in acceptance. There are so many layers to acceptance...my daughter has a genetic disorder...but I still don't know what that even means, so how can I really accept it? Will she walk? Will she talk? Still unknowns despite her incredible successes. I watched a gray-haired mother leading her adult daughter with disabilities by the hand at the pumpkin patch this weekend and I thought...will that be me? Will I be caring for little M forever? Does that mean bathing and changing diapers? I wanted to just enjoy the day out with my family, but even there, I cannot escape the painful process of acceptance. I do have faith in God's goodness. I trust Him and believe that Little M is exactly who she is suppose to be. That she is His child and that I am blessed to be entrusted with her care. I love and enjoy little M very much. I know that Little M will struggle to meet some of milestones, she already is. I know that I love her no matter which of those she meets or at what timeline she meets them. Those are the knowns and those are the things that I hold fast to and accept. The rest becomes a lot more tricky...I think it may just need more time. I don't think it's reasonable for me to accept that she may not walk...when she may. All I can do is love her and provide her with opportunities to help her achieve what she wants to achieve and take it a day at a time. I seem to remember learning this lesson a year ago. I guess I just need to repeat some lessons.