My Comforter

I was headed to my first speaking engagement with a pit in my stomach...fear...probably. I was to speak to a women's group about my journey with little M and choosing joy. A bit of an emotional topic on a good day and definitely moreso on the three hours of sleep that she had afforded me the night before. As I began to drive, I thought to myself that I should play some worship music or spend time praying to calm my fear and help me prepare. God is my comforter, which I was actually going to discuss, so it made perfect sense to turn to Him. As I opened my CD case to pull out a worship CD, a Taylor Swift CD fell out first. I popped it into the CD player with a smile and turned it up. It brought back a lot of memories of trips to Mac and time in the hospital. You see, I couldn't listen to worship music and had a hard time praying in the beginning...I struggle to process and couldn't figure out how to respond. As Little M was taken to Mac, I sent Jeff out to buy the Taylor Swift CD from the pharmacy across the road...a strange request, I know. I played that CD ad nauseum over the next 6 months. Whenever, I felt pain in my stomach...my sign of stress...on went Taylor and I found some calm. As I played the CD again, I wondered why it had such a calming effect on me. The best I could come up with is that it is honest, but still full of youthful optimism and a whole lot of love. In the midst of pain and grief and struggle, the distraction of young love was just what I needed. Love seems to be Miss Swifts running theme and love is exactly what I needed to be surrounded by and exactly what I needed to give to my sweet new baby. God's love was always there of course and is the source of all love, but it was a bit too much for me to handle directly. I needed some time to work it through and come to a peace with His love and goodness despite the circumstances in which I found myself. I don't know that a Taylor Swift CD was a gift from him...a gentle reminder of His love while I worked this through or if that is a bit of a stretch...but I think He can be our comforter in ways that we cannot expect.