Then Comes Spring

I once took a Bible study that focused on the seasons of our life. It labelled certain stages as certain seasons. I don't remember how it was all defined, but have certainly felt like I've been in winter...literally and figuratively speaking. This past week held some dark days for me as I struggled with feeling overwhelmed and slightly sinking. It began with good news, in that Little M is starting to imitate and show understanding in words, so they want to see her now for speech therapy on a more regular basis. This should be thrilling...but I just felt weighted down with another weekly appointment to balance. Instead of pulling out the calendar and using my creative juices to figure out how to tackle this new challenge, I just felt like escaping my life for a while. I wished I was a bear and could crawl into a cave and hibernate for a couple months. The sleep analogy is also very appropriate in that I've been tired. Truly tired. Little M has had two rocky months with sleep. Numerous times a week she has been waking for 3 to 8 hour periods and screaming if not in our company. This has created numerous questions and concerns. Is it connected to her neurological issues, is it behavioural? Is there any way to know? After almost two months of this alert nighttime behaviour and a desperate discussion with her pediatrician along with a thorough examination, the doctor suggested it may be neurological and she should start on melatonin to help her sleep. The first night was stellar but the following three a nightmare. My hopes of a quick fix evaporated along with my ability to cope with life. We moved a single bed into her room with hopes of at least one of us getting some sleep and perhaps the other while keeping her company. Our sleep concern was only a small component of our concern over M's sleeplessness. She struggles to fight infection and was trying to get over pneumonia...sleep was definitely needed. As well, her tone seems to severely drop with illness and lack of sleep causing more falling and injuries to herself. It also increases chocking risk and tantrums...both very stressful and dangerous to M. On Thursday at physio, our OT and PT were there and observed her in this tired and much more "floppy" state. They voiced concern that sleep and illness do not generally account for such a change in tone. They suggested a consult with the neuromuscular and metabolics departments at Mac to look for some answers. We've already consulted with these departments at birth, but look to be going for round 2. As Jeff's crazy work travelling schedule hung over me and the rain kept coming, I truly felt like I was close to my breaking point and talked to God to remind him of that. A great small group and some encouraging friends helped break up this dreary week, but nothing brought me hope like today. The bed in her room has worked well and she responds well to Jeff sleeping in her room when she wakes and goes back to sleep quicker and allows us all more sleep. With more sleep comes a happier and more vibrant little M. When she woke I said "hi M.." to which she responded "hi Mama". We repeated this numerous times and had a happy cuddle time before dressing for the day and having breakfast. Her speech and focus seemed strong but also her eating. At lunch, Jeff and I stared in wonder as Little M ate a cracker. Every week I lay out various items on her tray to have her try to eat, most of which are thrown on the floor. Crackers have consistenly been a floor item, until today. She took a bite and another bite! Then they hit the floor, but it was still progress. She even ate small pieces of grapes. After 19 months of trying to move beyond pureed food...this was a monumentous occasion. The day doesn't end there. After supper, we went to Walmart to walk around. Since I had Jeff with me and had no shopping requirements, we let Meg walk holding our hand around the store. Her excitement over everything and enthusaism to be able to walk and touch objects made Jeff and I both smile. As I walked with her little hand in mine, I felt overwhelmed, but this time with joy. I was walking with my daughter. My daughter was walking. How far you've come little girl! It will never get old. It will always be a miracle and a reminder of God's love. As I see the green grass outside today and felt the warmer air, it gave me a new burst of hope for this week...after winter comes spring.