Another kind of bear hunt

As I was writing my previous post, it got me thinking that searching the internet is kind of like going on a bear hunt. My analogy may be weak, as I have never been on a bear hunt, or intend to for that matter, but I think the two may connect. When we were waiting for Megan's diagnosis I tried hard not to search the internet as I didn't want to make myself scared with all the possibilities of what she may have. After the diagnosis, I still tried to avoid it as the reality was also scary. I was learning a lesson about living in the present as the future really was more than I could handle. However, the lure of trying to find someone who could relate to me and some idea of what to expect occasionally drew me in. Here's where the analogy comes into play. A hunter goes in search of his prey, his prize. I too was after a prize...information and had to wander through a pretty crazy forest in hopes of finding what I was looking for. Sometimes I would get lucky and find something relevant or to give me hope...I'd spot a bear. And sometimes I'd leave empty handed. The worse part is that in my excitement to find my bear, I didn't realize what it would do to me once I found it. It could truly tear me apart...emotinally in my case, especially if I let my guard down. Knowing the future can be actually scarier than the unknown. I found a pattern of sleeplessness always following my hunts. Autism, eye surgeries, wheelchairs and low IQs...Lord, I don't know if I can handle what may come. That is when I am reminded that I have been given strength for today...not for all my maybes and tomorrows. Having a rare disorder with no answers has been forcing me to live in the day...it's all I can handle. And when I live in the day, I realize that most my days are actually good. I'm happy. I'm doing it. I should say we're doing it as there is a whole team involved in my daily living. Although the internet can be helpful in giving me an idea of things to watch for and finding some people to connect with, I do need to explore it hesitantly...entering it not with a spirit of fear and insecurity or else it's sure to eat me up.