*I always wanted to be a mom. I can't say I really pictured what that would look like. I can't really picture anything in my head for that matter. It's probably just as well, in that all of my expectation would have been shattered over the past 5 years. Okay, that's a tad dramatic...only most of them.
*After a few years of marriage my husband and I decided to have a baby. I still think it a bit ironic that we thought we had control in this realm...right down to the month that we wanted to have the due date. It actually happened quicker than anticipated. I convinced my husband that it would take months for birth control to leave my system...not so much. Before the trying really began, we were expecting our first. I realize now as I watch a close friend struggle with infertility not to take this for granted...I'm learning not to take anything for granted. With that said, we began the journey into parenthood. Full of tears of joy and excitement, equipped with What to Expect When Expecting and a registry at Babies R Us, we were ready for our new adventure.
*Here's where things start to go downhill. I can truly say that Pregnancy and I did not coexist very well. The "morning sickness" began almost instantly. Again having seen others with worse situations, I really shouldn't complain....but I will. It was a little rocky until I discovered the precise timeline of soda crackers ingestion required to keep my head out of the toilet. Then it got better. The nausea remained and was joined by shingles as I headed into second trimester. Who knew? With shingles under control, my blood pressure decided to rise and with it a tide of water retention. I'm not exaggerating when I say I was not a pretty pregnant woman. I puffed up like a blow fish. I could no longer put on closed shoes and my nose reminded me of a pig. And so it continued until I was placed on bed rest until I was induced. To make a long story short 30 hours of labour, 3 hours of pushing, and 1 gush later; I was rushed into a complicated emergency c-section. Welcome little G.
*I thought I would know my baby as my own instantly, but little G looked nothing like my husband or myself. In fact, he defied genetics and came out blond hair and blue eyed to a brown-haired, brown-eyed couple. He also defied the stereotypes and did not spend his first 6 weeks sleeping. I'll have to write another post some day about Colick. Some say that it is a myth and that all babies cry. Well until one spend 18 months getting up through the night and spend 7 hours a night for many, many nights, handing off a screaming baby to whichever person in the house is most sane at the moment...you or your partner, one should not speak to the validity of colick.
*It was truly a year full of ups and downs. Exhaustion does funny things to one's mind and personality and ability to cope. However, so does a beautiful baby boy. Despite thinking that it was insanity to have more than one child after our experience, we welcomed little H into our home 19 months after our 1st. Again my pregnancy was riddled with nausea and complications. The front runner being complete placenta previa. This required bed rest which was a struggle with a one year old at home. It really does take a village...and a TV. After another complicated delivery, Little H had respiratory distress and needed to be intibated and whisked away to another hospital. With some tears, I spent my first night as a mother of two, separated from both my babies. Little H is a fighter and was able to get home within a week of his hospital stay and despite a rocky first winter, seems to have overcome a lot of his respiratory concerns.
*Now one would think that perhaps I would have figured out that pregnancy was not a good thing for me, but I just felt that there was one more addition that our family needed. With a lot of prayer and discussion, we hesitantly decided to have a third and final child. A condition called Polyhydramnios was the only real concern in my last and best pregnancy. However, it foreshadowed an early delivery and second trip to a higher care hospital. This time it was not respiratory distress, but rather low tone that alarmed the medical personal and sent my beautiful baby girl out of my arms and into NICU care.
*I pray that no other parent has to experience what we went through in the first couple of weeks of Little M's life. There were tubes coming out of all of her parts, specialist to consult, her heart needing to be shocked, tests and more tests and a final conclusion. My daughter has a rare genetic disorder called Partial Mosaic Trisomy 8, which includes a neurological problem called partial Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum and in her case sever hypotonia (low tone). Unfortunately, the NICU unit was full, so I know that others have been through this and worse. I can only pray that the strength and comfort that God granted to us during this time would be extended to them.
*Since Little M's homecoming...after 3 weeks in hospital, life has been full of appointments and therapy and a whole lot of uncertainty. However, there is also laughter and laundry and Lego and macaroni. Things didn't go as planned. In fact, they have made me leery of plans and thinking too much of my ability to control things. Instead, I am trying to focus on choosing joy in each day and living in the present. The future is uncertain and overwhelming, but I am given the strength for today and more than that, the ability to be have joy and peace in this day.
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